How not to ask your crush to prom
by ohmytuesday
Summary: Title says it all. Random Yullen crack/humour fic. What must Kanda do to finally get Allen to go with him to Prom?...
1. The Development of an Attitude Problem

Welcome to the most comprehensive guide you can find telling you in clear, concise steps how exactly to accomplish your goal—failing to ask your crush to prom.

Camden Co. is honoured to have established couple Yuu Kanda and Allen Walker as our main characters of this guide. -Applause- They will be providing us with examples regarding today's topic, taken with kind permission from Mr. Walker and -ahem- Mr. Kanda, from their own personal experience at unsuccessful prom invitations.

We here at Camden Co. sincerely wish that you find this guide useful. In any case, your feedback is greatly appreciated, and can be appropriated through the following channels:

(a)Reviews and  
(b)PMs

Rest assured that we will take your suggestions seriously and get back to you ASAP in the event that you have any queries.

The author would also like to dedicate this chapter to her beloved twin Hayden, and the author's darling shoulder partner in school, for helping her break the boring monotony of life.

* * *

**Part I: The Development of an Attitude Problem  
**_In other words, look angry, unfriendly, bad-tempered, pissed off etc._

The idea is to use any and all techniques you know to make yourself appear seem intimidating, aggressive and fierce.

This will serve to make you less approachable and decrease chances of your crush's positive response to your invitation, bringing you one step closer to your goal.

Some techniques used by Kanda in the following excerpt are:

(i)glaring  
(ii)frowning  
(iii)stomping and  
(iv)*tossing his hair

_***Note:** Please do not attempt option (iv) if you do not have long, flowing hair. Using option (iv) in such circumstances would only make you seem idiotic, gay, or like you have a neck cramp._

You know you have succeeded at this step when your crush starts displaying signs of uneasiness, as demonstrated by Mr. Walker in the excerpt below.

* * *

**Attempt Number 1: On the way to the cafeteria**

The sounds of angry footsteps echoed in the otherwise silent hallway. Allen paused on his way to the cafeteria, knowing at once that Yuu Kanda, the famously bad-tempered exorcist, was approaching.

He sighed, turning around just in time to see Kanda appear around the corner, glaring holes into a crumpled piece of bright pink paper clenched in his fist.

Allen blinked in surprise. So, Kanda received the invitation too.

Letting out a faint giggle, Allen wondered about the condition of the unfortunate soul who was assigned to this delivery, feeling a little guilty at finding joy out of another's misery.

Kanda's head snapped up, finally noticing the snow-haired boy trying desperately to stifle signs of his amusement.

He narrowed his gaze, beginning one of his famous death glares, simultaneously reaching for the katana resting on his right hip. "Shut the fuck up, idiot Moyashi!" He _hated_ when people laughed at him.

Kanda cursed under his breath, glowering furiously at Allen. Why couldn't everyone just _shut up_ about the bloody invitation?! He wouldn't even be asking the stupid Moyashi if Komui didn't make it compulsory for him to attend the fucktarded ball _with a date_.

How such a teeny brat with pathetically short legs could _skip_ so fast was forever going to be a mystery to him. Kanda paused, hiding his shortness of breath. Moyashi was most probably going to the cafeteria for lunch, judging by the way he absently rubbed his stomach.

The dance committee was foolish enough, in their own way. Everybody knew that Kanda had anti-social tendencies, in addition to his violent streak. He wouldn't attend such a 'fucktarded' event even if he received ten thousand invitations. Except maybe to severely mutilate those who forced him to attend.

Even worse, it was a masquerade ball. You needed _costumes_. Kanda would rather drop dead than wear that idiotic Prince Charming suit Komui got for him.

Seeing Allen in it, however, was an entirely different matter. He and Lenalee were the only ones Kanda could stand for five hours straight without pulling his hair out in frustration.

Lenalee was, undoubtedly, going with her darling nii-san, which left no one but the sprout.

It was okay, he supposed. Arguing with the brat would probably help him pass the time, and at least enjoy the evening _marginally_.

Inwardly, he thanked the heavens for Allen's lack of a sense of direction. He took a much longer time than strictly needed to actually reach the cafeteria from his room.

Normally, Kanda would be irritated. He didn't like wasting his time. However in this case, it was a good thing. It allowed Kanda much more time with Allen in private, giving him a chance to ask him out to the Black Order's Annual Prom Night.

"Oi, Moyashi!" Kanda called, flipping his untied cascade of dark, silky hair over his shoulder. He frowned; leaving his hair like that was annoying.

Reaching for the hair tie he wore habitually around his left wrist, he stopped in the midst of gathering his hair into its usual high ponytail. He looked up, only to find that...

The stupid bean was laughing. At him. He_ hated _being laughed at.

Feeling the angry aura around him intensify a few degrees, Kanda let his hair fall around his shoulders, shadowing his regal features.

Allen felt the air chilling and repressed a shiver, mirth hurriedly tamped down. _Damn, Kanda was really scary when he did that. _"Y-yes?"

"Do _NOT_, laugh at me. Ever."

"I'm sorry, Kanda, its just that… your hair…"

He knew it. It was _always_ because of his hair. He wished everyone would just _quit _bugging him about it already; it was seriously pissing him off.

"Well, what about my hair? And _don't_ say its girly and I should cut it." Kanda threatened, aura swirling malevolently around him.

Allen was totally and utterly intimidated. "Umm… Well, you see…"

_Oh crap._ He was well and truly boxed in. he couldn't possibly say that he thought Kanda looked rather feminine with his hair down, but there was no other feasible reason to explain why the image of Kanda putting his hair up made him laugh.

Desperately, he sidestepped the prickly question, asking Kanda a question of his own. "What is it you wanted to find me for?!"

_Oh yeah._ He nearly forgot. He was supposed to ask Allen to go to the dance with him. _Right._

Kanda's right hand instinctively moved to rest on Mugen's hilt, as if an unconscious gesture of support from his body to his brain. The frown on his face probably didn't help matters.

Though the Japanese swordsman meant no harm, Allen had seen him sharpening his sword on Lavi one time too many to not be bothered, and over such insignificant matters like being called Yuu-chan, no less. He tensed in response, preparing to run for his life.

Kanda was such an uptight asshole. It was so unfair that no-one was allowed to call him anything but Kanda, whereas he got away with calling Allen a bean sprout and Lavi a rabbit! After all, you didn't see him or Lavi using their respective weapons on Kanda for such trivial matters, right?

Still, he wasn't going to complain. Allen had taken more than his fair share of beatings throughout his fifteen years, and he was definitely not sticking around for more. _Leave the masochism to Lavi…_

Kanda's left hand curled over his right, unsheathing the gleaming blade a few centimeters. Mugen's cool weight in his palm was soothing, and it lent him courage. He took a deep breath…

"UhMoyashiwouldyougototheballwithme?!" The words left his mouth in an unintelligible rush. He looked up, only to be greeted by an empty corridor.

Apparently, Allen ran away. _Just_ when he finally swallowed his pride and summoned his courage. What perfect timing.

Bloody fuck. He was _so_ going to kill the idiot bean.

* * *

**Camden Co. would like to express its gratitude to Katsura Hoshino © -Man for use of her characters.**

* * *

Thank you for staying with us till here, and choosing this guide. We hope you find its contents useful and applicable to your own situation.

Please continue to make Camden Co. your choice for more exclusive tips on How not to ask your crush to prom, coming soon whenever reality (and teachers) gives this poor author a break.

Feedback is always appreciated! :D


	2. The Development of a Mean Streak

Welcome back, and thank you again for choosing How not to ask your crush to prom, the most comprehensive guide you can find, telling you in clear, concise steps how exactly to fail at asking your crush to prom.

We are glad to have captured your interest, and are happy to see you back for the second installment of this guide.

Misters Yuu Kanda and Allen Walker will once again be starring in this episode, this time featuring Kanda's second attempt at inviting Allen to the Black Order's Annual Prom Night.

The author would like to remind all readers that this installment of the guide is proudly brought to you by Camden Co., chocolate cookie crunch flavoured Pocky, a jumbo bag of gummies, and three cans of Mountain Dew. Despite the obvious derangement of the author, please be assured that all feedback and suggestions will still be taken seriously.

We hope to bring you joy, happiness, and the spirit of generous reviewing with this guide. Thank you, and have a nice day.

* * *

**Part Two: The Development of a Mean Streak.  
**_In other words, tease and bully him about his or her physical features, small stature, height, sexual orientation etc._

Make use of any and all personal jibes you know to make him feel uncomfortable about his or her physical appearance and weaknesses.

This will serve to make him resent or get angry with you, decreasing his opinion of you and therefore, making you seem unworthy of being his prom date.

Some techniques used by Kanda in the following extract (taken, of course, with kind permission) are:

(i)sneering haughtily,  
(ii)*looking down (literally) condescendingly,  
(iii)belittling his size, and  
(iv)*beating him in each and every physical fight

_***Note:**__ Do not try using option (ii) if your crush is taller than you, because you'll just be speaking to the floor, ostensibly shy and afraid. This totally makes Part One moot. For that matter, do not try option (iv) either._

_**Footnote:**__ Camden Co. is not in anyway responsible for any injuries sustained after attempting techniques recommended by this guide. However, interested parties may call Common Sense, our private helpline, at 1234 5678 for a free consultation or for more information. We thank you for your understanding._

* * *

**Attempt Number Two: In the Cafeteria.**

Kanda stormed angrily towards the cafeteria entrance, where the idiot bean sprout presumably run off to _just _before he heard Kanda's painstakingly nerve-wrecking prom invitation.

He shoved the heavy mahogany doors open, letting them swing close loudly behind him.

The slam of the double doors against the door frame resonated through the packed cafeteria. A blanket of pregnant silence fell over the entire place as all heads turned to face him.

Such was the power and might of Kanda Yuu over the ignorant masses. The furious exorcist slowly swiveled his head to survey the kingdom he ruled over with an iron fist, simultaneously scanning the crowds for any sign of his chosen prom date.

_Che_. As if hiding behind a potted plant could help conceal the slurping sounds he made while eating some… retarded looking bowl of multicoloured noodles.

And like that helped in his case to convince the bad-tempered exorcist that he was not, in anyway, a baka Moyashi.

In Kanda's opinion, the only food worth eating in the whole wide world was soba. There was absolutely no argument for it. Anything else just paled in his absurd comparison.

Ha. Another black mark for his 'Why Allen Walker is a Baka Moyashi' list. But then again, why was he even going to the fucking ball?!

Oh yeah. Damn Komui and his "abhorrence for social ineptitude". What was wrong with being an anti-social bastard, anyway? Kanda was fine the way he is, and would rather eat uncooked porcupines than be dubbed a social butterfly. **(A/N: The author hates/is scared senseless of butterflies. Now stop laughing.)**

And, for that matter, he would rather eat ten thousand uncooked porcupines before even going near the bloody Prince Charming suit Komui procured for him. Prince Charming? More like Prince so-frigging-ugly-that-if-his-suit-was-any-less-bright-his-subjects-would-all-run-screaming-for-the-hills. Prince Fugly, he would believe. Charming? Not a fat fucking chance.

Kanda strode straight to where he knew the stupid sprout was hiding, ponytail swishing behind him menacingly as he walked.

He stopped right smack in front of the doomed fern Allen was hiding behind and drew out his sword, blade glinting evilly in the sunlight from the open windows.

In a blinding flash, the poor plant was sliced into two symmetrical, perfectly congruent parts. Soil particles peppered the air, some landing and dissolving in Allen's bowl of noodles.

As hungry as he was, Allen did not eat food that had been contaminated by soil. Especially not when it was BaKanda's fault that his food was contaminated in the first place.

He stood up, feeling his small frame start to vibrate in indignant rage. The bowl of colourful noodles was carefully delegated onto a nearby table before he turned around and looked up angrily into Kanda's stormy gaze.

_Nobody_ messed with Allen Walker's food. Not even the almighty and powerful Kanda.

The sound of chairs scraping the floor and double doors opening and closing only registered dimly in both their red-fogged minds. Electricity seemed to flow between the two exorcists, filling the cafeteria with tension and suspense.

It wasn't surprising, really, that everyone fled the potentially dangerous scene. A pissed Kanda was already something to contend with, but throw a food-deprived Allen into the mix? That was just suicide. The results were sure to be devastating, the thoughts of which enough to scare some of the less experienced finders into peeing their pants.

"What was that for." Allen said it as a statement instead of a question, poisonous undertones layering his calm words. Alas, there was no-one left in the cafeteria to find out how they could both last so long without breaking the intense staring match they were fighting tooth and nail to win.

"Che. It was your fault for running away just as I was about to say something important." Kanda looked away, a sneer on his lips.

"W-what?! Why was it _my_ fault again?!!" He'd be damned before he let Kanda get away with it this time.

"Whatever, you idiot bean." The infuriating sneer on Kanda's face grew wider. "Just listen now, will you."

Allen let out a shriek of utter frustration, tugging at locks of his snow white hair. "You-you… girly she-man freak! I can't believe you got soil in my rainbow noodles just for that!"

_What. The. Bloody. Fuck. Did the Moyashi just call him 'girly she-man freak'?... _

Kanda felt his rage rise past unhealthy levels. So, the baka wanted to play it this way, huh?

"Nice one, coming from a scrawny midget like you. Why? Was puberty busy the day you hit your teenage years?" He looked Allen up and down appraisingly, smirking as he came to a conclusion. "Nope, seems to me like he just plain doesn't like you."

Why was he constantly plagued by crazy bastards?! He was a perfectly nice and polite person! He helped old ladies cross the road! It wasn't his fault, dammit, that he was short.

"Yeah, says the _man_ who has hair past his butt!"

Kanda felt his eye twitch. "Oh yeah? At least my hair is normal-coloured! Not white like some kind of old man freak. Who eats rainbow noodles, anyway? Rainbow noodles are only for sissies and babies. Which, I suppose, you are."

Allen felt steam escaping from his ears. "At least I'm not married to my weapon, Mrs. Mugen! And I hope you suffer indigestion from eating soba!"

"You bloody fucktarded bean sprout!"

"You transsexual bastard with a sword fetish!"

"You directionally-challenged stupid brat!"

"You cold-hearted asshole with a stick up your ass!"

"You tiny useless freak of nature!"

"You nincompoop!"

"You disgusting black hole!"

Allen panted for breath, desperately combing his mind for another insult, but to no avail. "BaKanda!"

"Well, is that the best you can do? Seems like I win this round. _Again_."

Rage bubbled up, boiling hot. Screaming like a banshee, Allen lunged forward, fingers outstretched like claws. With deadly accuracy, his fingernails left a bleeding mark, albeit shallow, on Kanda's throat, right over the blood vessel.

Kanda reciprocated by punching Allen in the stomach, glaring murder at the enraged brat. The shouting match escalated into a bloody fistfight, which then led to weapons being drawn and mass damage to the cafeteria.

Finders and exorcists alike milled around the entrance, wincing whenever a particularly loud noise caught their attention. At this rate, there wouldn't even be _scaffolding_ left when those two finished.

Kanda swung Mugen at the other, moving in swiftly for a mighty kick when Allen was still unbalanced from his hasty dodge.

A dull thud reverberated through the entire building as Allen landed on the far side of the room, dust swirling and settling around him.

Breathing hard, Kanda sheathed his katana, walking slowly to check on Allen.

"Oi, Moyashi… Sprout? Allen?!"

_Oh fuck._ He wouldn't have picked a fight with the stupid sprout if he knew he was so weak! Great, another wasted chance to ask Allen to the prom, ending in disaster. How he was going to ever get Allen to agree to being his prom date was, kind of, becoming a moot point, if the Moyashi didn't even have an inkling of what he intended.

He was _really_ going to have to kill the bean next time.

* * *

**Camden Co. would like to express its gratitude to Katsura Hoshino © -Man for use of her characters.**

* * *

Thank you for staying with us till here, and choosing this guide. We hope you find its contents useful and applicable to your own situation.

Please continue to make Camden Co. your choice for more exclusive tips on How not to ask your crush to prom, coming soon whenever reality (and the author's poor stomach) gives her a break.

Feedback is always appreciated! :D

_The author would also like to ask for opinions on whether or not she should continue with this story, because so far, the response hasn't been that great. :/_


	3. The Development of Selective Memory Loss

Camden Co. is delighted to see you back for the third installment of How not to ask your crush to prom. We welcome you with open arms, and hope you find this guide enjoyable for your own reading pleasure.

Misters Yuu Kanda and Allen Walker are kind enough to share with us their third failed prom experience, this time featuring Generals Cross Marian and Tiedoll as guest stars in today's episode.

The author would like to point out that although she is less deranged than when she wrote the previous chapter, she is going out of her mind trying to complete last minute homework, cram science into her brain, and still pack for some stupid leadership camp her school is orchestrating. This may also explain the (relatively) long absence of this guide from the Yullen scene, for which the author sincerely apologizes.

The author is dedicating this chapter to her dearest, darling best friend Renee, for generally existing and making her laugh, though the Silver Diamond really helped too.

Please keep in mind that the author is under (exaggeratively) massive amounts of mental and emotional stress, which has been scientifically proven to play a part in causing insanity and/or heart attacks. Lend a helping hand to save Camden by reviewing and burying her in a relaxing spa of positive encouragement.

Thank you, and may whatever omnipotent being you worship bless you.

* * *

_How not to ask your crush to prom ©Camden Co._

_The most comprehensive, the most crackish, but the least crap._

_

* * *

_

**Part Three: The Development of a Selective Memory Loss**

_In other words, annoy your crush by calling him/her a nickname which he/she really hates. For example: Cammie-poo, Pookie, Poo-cam etc._

Make use of your amazingly faulty memory vault to only remember your crush's much abhorred nickname instead of his real of preferred moniker. Obscenities and derogatory titles may also be inserted in front to further anger or irritate your crush.

Remember the much emphasized golden formula in this guide for calculating chances of unsuccessful prom invitations:

X= 1/K

Where X is the percentage of failure and K represents your crush's level of happiness.

We can see that X increases when K decreases, thus the importance of keeping your crush's level of happiness down.

To help maintain Allen's annoyance at himself, Kanda calls him Moyashi, which means bean sprout in Japanese. 'Idiot', 'bratty', 'stupid', and 'baka' etc. are also frequently added in front to further anger him.

This nickname is a play on Allen's physical appearance and useless-ness in Kanda's eyes.

_***Note:**__ Please refer to the helpline given in Part Two for more information, because the author is just too lazy to try and explain further. So shoo!_

* * *

**Attempt Number Three: In the Infirmary.**

Kanda trudged towards the infirmary, where one Allen Walker lay recuperating after sustaining considerable injury, courtesy of the former's fiery temper.

For once, Mugen was conspicuously absent from his side, along with his usual scowl and accompanying black mood.

And for the first time in his life, Kanda Yuu actually _felt guilty_ for causing physical harm to someone who accused him of being effeminate.

He sighed, a sound so rarely heard that a random finder walking past had to be revived with the scent of moldy cheese. Apparently, the thought of Kanda _not_ being angry was a little… hard to accept.

It was a known and widely recognized fact that Kanda was always pissed off, whether because of the weather in Berlin, or the colour of yesterday's rainbow, so much so that it had become a constant factor in their lives, exorcists and finders alike.

To them, Kanda being angry was about as natural as the sun rising from the east, and the absence of his rage unsettled some of the more faint-hearted. Coming to a halt in front of the infirmary door, his long ponytail mirrored his movement, swaying gently to a stop as he pondered the welcome he would receive.

The polished wooden door opened, and before he could react, he was bear-hugged around the waist by his foster father, who never failed to annoy him.

Kanda shook his head, disgusted by his own lack of vigilance. His hands automatically sprang into action, one pushing the blubbering old geezer away while the other lifted his hair from the patch of salty and all too common tears on his uniform.

_Shit, what the fucking hell was Tiedoll doing here? _He hoped fervently that his tears were not born of sadness, seeing that the fool had just left after visiting the Moyashi. There was no one else he could think of that was able and willing to accompany him to the prom, and Komui's words before he exited left a bad taste in his mouth.

"_You _will_ attend prom with a date whether or not I can help it, because if you don't find yourself a partner, I'll do it for you, by hook or by crook."  
_

Kanda shuddered inwardly at his implication, trying not to think of the consequences. What if he got stuck with Lavi? Or Miranda? Or even worse, Komui himself?!

Oh god, no. anything would be better than that. Which was one of the reasons why he was sacrificing his pride to apologize to that damned brat. That reminded him, the Order was too full of irritating retards for him to go walking around without Mugen.

"Yuu-kun, my darling son, look how fast you've grown! So big and strong already… It seems like it was only two days ago that I sent you away to Headquarters…" Tiedoll wiped his eyes on Kanda's shirtsleeve, much to his displeasure.

"Shut up and let me go, you stupid old fart. I'm not your freaking son, and I never will be." He punctuated his words with an extra-hard shove to dislodge the barnacle like grip on his arm.

Tiedoll fell onto the ground, which only served to raise the volume of his incessant crying, and intensify the throbbing in Kanda's head. "How could you say such cruel things? You had better not make Allen cry when you go inside to see him."

Kanda froze. _Wait, how did Tiedoll know he was going to see Allen?_ He had always made sure to keep his crush on the stupid Moyashi more secret than the Da Vinci code!

Tiedoll continued babbling, oblivious to Kanda's discomfort. "Such an adorable child, I wonder who was the monster who hurt him like that? Oh dear, I sure hope Allen gets well in time for the ball, I would dearly love to see him in costume. Perhaps Santa Claus? After all, he already has the hair colour…"

It was the first time in his life that he lost composure due to something shocking that reared its ugly head out of his foster father's gaping piehole. "I wonder if Allen has a date for the dance… it's such a pity if he doesn't that I may consider asking him myself."

Kanda felt his fists clench of their own accord. "Don't worry; he has a date, so you can trash the idea."

Not waiting for a reply, he pushed the door open and headed straight for the last bed, features abruptly twisting into an Oscar-worthy scowl when he caught sight of Cross Marian, sprawled across the armchair beside Allen's bed, attempting to flirt with the nurse on duty.

The general turned his head to face the newcomer, throwing his features into sharp relief, uncombed hair glowing devilishly in the sunlight. The malevolent smirk on his face spoke volumes of his reciprocated feelings towards Kanda.

"My, my looks like somebody's carrying a torch for my idiot apprentice here. Why am I not surprised that he's going to be a bitch for the Order's resident bitch?"

Kanda's eye twitched at the offending remark, fighting to remain in control of his temper. He knew, dammit, that Cross was only doing it on purpose to rile him up. Punishment for assaulting an exorcist of higher rank wasn't light, after all.

"Ah well, I guess I'll leave you two twits to bask in unsatisfied sexual tension, then. Enjoy, and make sure you, especially, relieve yourself. It can't be very healthy walking around with that much sperm pent up inside, you know."

Kanda turned away, hiding the crimson staining his cheeks at the crassness of Cross' remark. _Yeah well, it wasn't his fault that his hormones weren't really very active despite him being a healthy teenage male, was it?_ He couldn't exactly turn them on and off at will.

And besides, there wasn't any, not even a trace, of sexual tension between him and the sprout. **(And this is the part where everyone raises their eyebrows and goes "Yeah… right.")**

"Oh, and good luck waking the lazy dumbass up. He usually takes about four hours to surface after I knock him out." With a flick of his wild hair, he blew Kanda a mocking kiss before letting the door slam shut behind him.

Growling in frustration, he sent death glares via his eyes towards the closed door, right hand simultaneously reaching for something to throw.

A loud thud could be heard as a syringe embedded itself in the door needle-first, right where Cross' head was.

He sighed, pushing his fingers through his bangs. It seemed like he really was losing his touch, for his anger to be so easily vented.

Walking a few steps closer to Allen's bed, he stared broodingly at the other's sleeping face for a moment. Despite his usual angry insults about the Moyashi's looks, he had to admit that Allen had really pretty features, pretty enough to look good in the frilly piece of shit Komui prepared for him.

Gingerly, he sat down beside Allen, taking care not to jostle the bed too much. "Allen," he tried out on his tongue, then winced and blushed immediately after.

God, this prom date thing was turning him into pansy. With much difficulty, Kanda fought down the colour in his cheeks and attempted the second test run of the Moyashi's preferred name, though time much more audible than the first.

No matter what he did, the given name 'Allen" just didn't seem to mesh with his mental image of the stupid sprout, with his frail, slender body and shockingly white hair. It felt plain weird, and Kanda had trouble wrapping his mind around the simple syllables. After all, Kanda didn't really call anyone by their first name. Lenalee didn't count, since she was a lady, and ladies deserved to be treated with respect.

Bloody hell, why wasn't he waking up? "Oi, Allen. Allen Walker."

A frown creased his smooth forehead, under the bangs he popularized. As you can probably tell, Kanda wasn't one for patience. "Allen, stop being a lazy dumbass and wake up!"

Aside from a slight hitch in his breathing pattern, Allen didn't stir, much to his frustration. "Allen!" He tried again, this time accompanied with a light shake of his bandaged shoulder.

"Allen Walker!" Oh wait, did I mention that Kanda personified impatience? "Allen frigging Walker!"

Oh, for the love of god, if Allen wasn't going to answer to his name, then he certainly was _not_ going to use it. And after the idiot Moyashi kept nagging at him to specifically call him 'Allen' instead of 'Moyashi' too!

Kanda scowled, standing up abruptly and glaring at his crush's sweet, infantile, innocent face. He hated contradictions. Why couldn't everything come with clear and precise instructions?! That would make everyone's lives a million times easier.

"Moyashi," Kanda said at normal volume, glowering down at Allen with all his might.

From the foggy depths of his unconscious mind, Allen heard a faint echo of his much hated nickname, and felt a familiar jolt of annoyance.

Damn, Kanda was such a jerk. His name was simple enough that even a two year old could pronounce it without any problems, what more the best freaking exorcist in the Black Order. He totally didn't understand what BaKanda found so wrong with his name.

Allen. He rather liked it, to be honest. It was short, sweet, and not too much of a mouthful. For Pete's sake, it was only five letters long! Two syllables! Did Kanda really suck that much at English?! Because if he did, Allen would be happy to provide him with free tuition.

Shifting groggily, he struggled to open his eyes, slowly clawing his way into consciousness. Black spots danced in his slit of wavering vision, and he blinked in an effort to clear his head.

The startling image of Kanda looming over him was the first thing that swam into focus. Allen yelped, automatically trying to move backwards. Which, in this case, was impossible, since he was lying horizontal on an infirmary bed. He did, however, succeed in bumping his already sore head on the headboard. _How fabulous._

Thankfully, Kanda straightened up soon after that, though causing Allen a few winces when he plonked himself gracelessly onto the bed.

"Uh, Kanda?" He was understandable wary considering the fight between them that landed him here. With their last encounter nearly resulting in his premature and untimely death, Kanda being so close was a little nerve-wrecking. Fortunately, the other didn't seem to be in a particularly bad mood today. If not for the 'no electronic devices' rule implemented in the infirmary, he would have gotten Timcanpy to film down this historical moment.

"Moyashi. Listen, would you go to—" Kanda was rudely cut off by the slam of the heavy wooden door.

"Look! Look what I found!" _Crap, what were General Tiedoll and his master doing here?! _Allen paled visibly, barely suppressing a shudder. He was okay with Tiedoll, he supposed, but not with that… puke-coloured _thing_ over his shoulder. His master's reappearance just added on to his sense of foreboding.

"Isn't it positively angelic? You would look so adorable wearing this to the prom. Consider it your get-well present!" Tiedoll started waving his hands around in his excitement. To get a clearer look, Kanda snatched the piece of fabric away and held it up an arm's length away.

It unfolded, inch by hideous inch, to reveal a full length bean sprout costume. It was to be worn as a bodysuit, with a hood covering the wearer's hair. A leaf stuck jauntily out from the top of the hood, somewhat like an antenna. Frankly, Kanda thought it would make Allen look like a Teletubby/Pokemon crossbreed, but politely refrained from laughing.

Allen's jaw dropped. Dear god, surely they didn't expect him to wear such a horrible monstrosity?!

He swiveled to look at each of them in turn. His bastard guardian, blatantly smirking, a cigar between his lips; Tiedoll, looking scarily serious, glasses perilously close to falling of his nose; BaKanda, attempting to hide the sparkle of mirth in his eyes, somehow maintaining a perfectly straight face.

"Well, what are you waiting for, idiot? Try it on!" Cross gestured towards the dastardly costume, which Allen continued staring disbelievingly at. It _really_ was disgustingly ugly, but the last thing he wanted was to hurt Tiedoll's feelings…

Suddenly, he whipped around to glare daggers at Kanda. _Who was the genius who thought of the stupid nickname?!_ It was completely, utterly, totally, absolutely _Kanda's_ fault that he was forced to undergo such torture. What sort of nickname was 'Moyashi', anyway? Couldn't he at least have the decency to think of a less retarded nickname?!

If nothing could be done to change their minds about the costume, he was _so_ going to murder Kanda. The _bean sprout_ guaranteed it.

* * *

**Camden Co. would like to express its gratitude to Katsura Hoshino © -Man for use of her characters.**

* * *

Please continue to keep an eye out for further updates of this guide, and/or other publications by Voodoo Inc., for which the author moonlights for.

Remember to contribute to the 'Save Camden' feedback fund by reviewing and leaving massive amounts of love!

Thank you, and we hope to see you again soon.

_Is is just me, or are the adverts annoying all you people too?! _


	4. The Development of an Opposing Mindset

Camden Co. is happy to have brought joy to your lives. Your kind reviews, too, have made the author run about squealing like a faulty showerhead. Joyfully, of course.

We are happy to announce that the author has miraculously recovered from her momentary bout of stress and sleep-deprivation induced anxious-depression, thought she seems to have gone just a tiny bit insane. We beg your forgiveness; we consider this a serious failure on our part. Dear readers, please be assured that we here at Camden Co. will continue trying our best to deliver high quality episodes of this guide, guaranteed (only to a certain extent, of course) to bring joy and laughter (a.k.a. the Spirit of Generous Reviewing) to your lives.

If any aspect of the latest installment fails to capture your fancy, please don't hesitate to send us feedback regarding our lackluster performance. Positive feedback, as always, will be cherished and fangirled over. Misters Yuu Kanda and Allen Walker would also like to thank you in advance for your kind acknowledgement of their entertainment skills. They are again the main attractions in today's episode, much to their delight, albeit a little unwillingly on Kanda's part.

Nevertheless, Camden Co. wishes you a good day, and hopes you continue to support out publications. **(Review, dammit!)**

* * *

_How not to ask your crush to prom © Camden Co._

_The most comprehensive, the most crackish, but the least crap._

_

* * *

_

**Part Four: The Development of an Opposing Mindset**

_In other words, irritate your crush by shoving your differing viewpoints down his or her throat._

Much research conducted by the prestigious Camden University of Retardedness has shown that most people generally get supremely annoyed when someone puts down on object or person they really like, especially if done repeatedly.

Nicknames (like in Part Three) may be used in conjunction with the object/person your crush shows preference for, not forgetting the techniques demonstrated by Kanda in Parts One and Two, for added effect.

Remember the saying 'opposites attract'? Our dedicated Professors of Lunacy have managed to smash that myth after much studies and experimentation, thus you must avoid at all costs being on the same wavelength as your crush to successfully accomplish your goal. Please keep this in mind!

In the following chapter, Kanda insults many of Allen's personal favourites, such as Mana, miterashi dango, and the ribbon around his neck etc. This results in Allen's anger and irritation, and Kanda's failure in asking Allen to the prom.

_***Note:**__ Please ensure that you correctly insult the things he likes and not hates; otherwise, it will just turn into some mutual rant/commiseration thingy. The above described situation will only serve to pull your ties closer, which makes everything we've been working towards moot, and is therefore, highly unadvisable._

_

* * *

_

**Attempt Number Four: In the Common Room**

Kanda's good mood didn't seem to have lasted very long, because an audible sigh of relief could be heard when he was seen randomly shouting obscenities to people blocking his way. As usual.

The atmosphere in the whole Order lightened as the planets realigned themselves; the constant in everyone's lives replaced. Kanda's legendary temper was back and biting, all thanks to Komui's fateful announcement over the speaker system this morning.

Forever disorganized, Komui, being the scatterbrain he was, completely lost track of time, waking every single person with a shrill shriek of feedback at half past three in the morning. Even _Kanda_ didn't rise willingly _that_ early, especially after enduring hours of unspeakable dreams about the hideous Moyashi costume before finally falling asleep.

As if that wasn't horrible enough, squealing females had been milling around him since breakfast, giggling and flipping their hair here and there, filling the air with the sickeningly cloying scent of their perfume, though his glare still managed to keep them at bay. _For now._

And it was all thanks to Komui's morning announcement. Why the hell was it even necessary for the whole fucking world to know that he needed a date for the fucking prom anyway?! He totally failed to see the logic in that, and was now therefore demanding an explanation from Komui in his office.

Briefly, he wondered about the Moyashi's condition, both mental and physical. What would Allen's reaction be to Komui's announcement? Kanda was desperately curious, but there were more pressing matters at hand. Like murdering the stupid slut following much too close for comfort behind him.

She reached out with her right hand towards his shoulder, though Kanda was far from being kind enough to let her germ-infested hand touch any part of his anatomy, even with the protection of his uniform. Sidestepping quickly, he smirked as her face creased into a disappointed pout.

As was the custom of fangirl cliques, a whole bunch of girls suddenly congregated around, murmuring to each other words of encouragement and comfort, brains already audibly whirring about their next Kanda ambushing plan.

_Good, an opportunity to escape._ Kanda sprinted for Komui's office, hoping to find some form of a temporary refuge there, or even better, a way to force Komui to retract his announcement.

Seriously, he didn't understand what _exactly_ was so fabulous about going to prom. It was just the same crappy Main Hall and dumbasses, only decorated with more frills and layers and shit. So, really, _what was the big fucking deal?!_ It certainly seemed pointless to him.

And the stupid rule on compulsory costumes. Bloody fuck, don't even get him started. Nightmares had been plaguing him on a daily basis since Tiedoll's mindblowingly ugly moyashi suit. Thank Kami-sama that the stupid sprout didn't have the imagination and intelligence to come up with anything worse than 'BaKanda'.

Despite his initial amusement, Kanda soon grew to hate the hideous costume as much as- or perhaps even more than- the main victim himself. Sure, it was superbly funny at first, but the joke got stale after a while. The same couldn't be said, though, for Allen's rising levels of resentment towards him. How the brainless freak even managed to link the costume to him would forever be another one of those unsolvable mysteries.

At his present rate of irritating his crush, Kanda was smart enough to realize that it was going to be a grueling uphill climb trying to get Allen to go to the prom with him. Which led right back to square one— Allen's abhorrence of him, either because of their foundation-shaking fight, or the bestowed nickname 'Moyashi'.

Whatever the reason, it was quite plain that Allen was frantically avoiding Kanda, and that Kanda badly needed to apologize. But first things first, he needed to bash Komui's head in. and for that matter, he needed to kick some fangirl butt as well. _Then_, he would go grovel and beg at the Moyashi's feel.

The sound of following footsteps pierced through the angry haze slowly wrapping itself around his brain, and Kanda whipped around to glower menacingly at the mob of fast approaching fangirls. Apparently, their next tactic was to ambush him in a group, under the mistaken assumption that there was power in numbers.

Kanda frowned, hand moving towards Mugen's hilt. For fuck's holy sake, couldn't they all leave him alone?! The mob came to an uncertain halt, unsure of their personal safety. Taking advantage of their momentary indecision, Kanda picked up his speed, ponytail streaming behind him as he accelerated towards Komui's office. A shout of "After him!" could be faintly heard as the fangirls realized that the object of their desire was getting away.

_Holy shit, were they all that desperate to have him as their date?_ He really was going to have to brush up on his anti-social tendencies. Kanda nearly crashed face-first into Komui's closed door, if not for his brilliant reflexes.

Oh, how fucking wonderful today was proving itself to be. _NOT_. He could clearly heat Komui snoring his head off inside, and judging from past experience; no amount of banging on the door could get him to even stir. And he was not going lower himself to using the 'Lenalee's marriage' method.

By now, the mob of fangirls was almost upon him. Glancing frantically over his shoulder, Kanda gave up on the futile door-banging and broke into a mad run. How undignified, but he was not going to let any of their filthy hands touch him.

If Kanda had ever once expressed his intense dislike for the Common Room, he willingly took back and ate his words, complete with salt, pepper, and tomato sauce. It was the only room equipped with a lock that was available to act as Kanda'a temporary hideout in the vicinity.

Slamming the door shut behind him, he sighed in relief when the lock clicked shut audibly and held fast despite the fangirls attempting to pick it open. He loosened his ponytail, sinking into the couch provided with uncharacteristic casualness.

_Goodness gracious, was Kanda actually slouching?_ Allen's jaw dropped as he stared speechlessly at Kanda's relaxed form. He had _never_ seen Kanda without picture perfect posture before…

It was then that the Japanese man took notice of him.

"What are you staring at me for, idiot Moyashi? The television's over there." Kanda asked rather brusquely, pride disallowing him to move from his current position.

_Damn, why didn't he see Allen before choosing this room to hide in? He must need his eyes checked…_

Annoyance flooded Allen's body at the mention of his nickname. Thanks to Kanda's name-calling genius, he was now in possession of, and under emotional blackmail to wear, a stupendously ugly bean sprout costume. He still hadn't forgotten Kanda's involvement in this particular fiasco, and he was not about to. Not until BaKanda apologized.

"Hmph." The white-haired boy presented Kanda with his uniform-clad back, pouting and crossing his arms in childish defiance. Well, since he couldn't exactly _murder_ Kanda, he decided to give the other the cold shoulder instead. And it was working, so far, because Kanda was much more talkative than ever, at least towards him. _Ha_.

So the bean still refused to speak to him, huh? Fuck, this was a big problem, considering that Allen didn't usually hold grudges past an hour. It must break some record, he reckoned, for him to remain angry this long. Which also meant that Allen would most probably not agree to be his date to prom. _Dammit_.

His frown carved deeper into his otherwise smooth forehead, casting darker shadows over his features. _This was bad, very bad_. It was of utmost priority for him to get Allen to accept his invitation by tomorrow, the deadline Komui set. Failing this would mean jeopardizing his one hundred percent mission success rate, and even worse, the horrible prospect of some random rabid fangirl clinging to his arm for about four straight hours without Mugen.

Kanda shuddered, just the thought of it was unbearable, and thus, it was imperative for Allen to somehow like him enough to accept his invitation.

_But how?..._ Allen quite obviously still blamed him for the Moyashi costume, and was steadfastly ignoring all his attempts at conversation. He sighed, facepalming in frustration. He could now safely say that he hated everything related to prom and costumes.

The two exorcists sat in pregnant silence on opposite ends of the black leather couch, staring decidedly fixedly at the giant purple dinosaur prancing about on the screen.

Kanda felt his eye twitch. Just how much more of this could he endure without Mugen's calming properties, he didn't know. It was fucking boring sitting around doing nothing, and the fucktarded dinosaur was not helping. And to make things worse, Allen kept fidgeting, shifting this way and that. It was driving him crazy!

All of a sudden, Allen jumped out of his seat and burst into song, his slender body swaying along with the beat.

_What the bloody fuck?_ This was just too damn ridiculous for words. Allen Walker, the prophesized Destroyer of Time, was singing along to Barney, for god's frigging sake. Couldn't he at least pretend to have some semblance of good musical taste?! Surely this would kill off that musician Noah supposedly inhibiting his body, if nothing else.

Kanda stared openmouthed at the happily chorusing exorcist, now skipping about waving his arms in the air. He wasn't even sure if he still wanted to go to prom with Allen anymore, judging by his appalling behavior.

"…Mister Golden Sun, please shine down on me!" Kanda shifted his gaze to the closed window. How fucking _fantastic_, the Moyashi was going crazy as well, because it was clearly raining, and the sun was nowhere to be seen. Whoever wrote these retarded songs seriously needed to have their brain checked for extreme gayness and stupidity.

Allen found himself trailing off with Kanda's remittance of annoyed pheromones. "What?" He voiced out, turning around to meet his stormy gaze.

_Oh blast!_ He forgot for a moment there that he wasn't supposed to be speaking to Kanda. Whacking himself on the head, he turned away again, huffing in irritation. "Don't think I've stopped ignoring you, BaKanda."

"Well, aren't you now?" Kanda smirked, raising an eyebrow, earlier irritation disappearing without a trace. He was so overjoyed that the Moyashi spoke to him that he was ready to turn cartwheels around the room at Allen's command. Only he realized how freaky it would be, thus the reapplication of his smug and indifferent mask.

"Of course n—" Crap, he slipped up again.

The smirk on Kanda's face grew to suck magnificent proportions that it almost qualified as a smile. Perhaps he could make this work for him, one way or another…

"Che Moyashi, just give it up. No one else would want to talk to a faggot like you anyway. Be glad I bothered."

_Kanda was such a bastard!_ Allen silently fumed, entire face flushed to fire-engine levels. He was, daresay, the most popular and well-liked exorcist in the entire Black Order! It was _Kanda_ who should be kissing his feet in gratitude, and not the other way around!

He mentally congratulated himself on seeing Allen mouth a string of curses at him. _Perfect_. The bean sprout was starting to break already.

A glint of an idea entered and took root in Kanda's rapidly calculating brain. If he could just trick the Moyashi into attending the stupid dance with him… Yes, that might work. Kanda stroked his chin like a typical Bond supervillain, sending involuntary chills down Allen's spine, which only served to make Allen angrier at his body's reaction.

"Che, how lame can you get, bean? Barney?! How wonderful to finally know I'm right. You lied about your age, didn't you? I always thought it was strange for a boy your age to still be so weak and naïve at fifteen. That explains a lot, you know."

_Blast_. Allen had to bite his tongue to keep a snarky retort from slipping out. He was fifteen, _dammit_, fifteen years, five months and twenty-nine days old, to be exact. It wasn't his fault that he was _petite_, thank you very much. It must be something about how his innocence was parasitic, or maybe it was his over-exposure to girly bastards like Kanda who jinxed him to forever bear physical resemblance to bean sprouts…

"…girly _bastard_… _jinxed_ me…" Kanda caught strains of what seemed to be a rant about Allen's height, or rather, his lack of it. Good, his plan appeared to be working. He allowed himself a clenched victory fist and a momentary satisfied smile.

"What's next then? Diapers? I'm pretty sure the infirmary maintains stock of them in the event of incontinent patients. Need some?"

It was fully how Kanda always managed to bring out his inner spoilt toddler. "NO, I'm fifteen and I don't need bloody diapers!" Allen stamped his foot, a classic sign of an impending temper tantrum.

"Oh really? Doesn't seem that way to me," Kanda smiled then, the infuriatingly smug smile that never failed to piss Allen off.

And such an infantile tactic actually worked! The white-haired boy opened his mouth, presumably to curse Kanda to an imminent descent into the fieriest depths of hell, only to be interrupted by another one of Kanda's infamously disparaging 'anti-favourite' remarks. It was Allen's darling miterashi dango which, quite unfortunately, came under his disdainful, profanity-ridden verbal attack this time.

Needless to say, the poor Moyashi flew into a giant rage. How could he say such a thing?! Miterashi dango was the closest thing he had to paradise, and nothing would make what Kanda said even marginally forgivable. The cold shoulder meant for Kanda was now so far back in his mind that ignoring him didn't even appear as an option in Allen's red-fogged brain, thus explaining the immediate and loud negative protest exploding out of his mouth. "NO!"

What followed could easily be mistaken for a lover's couplet, if not for the angry tone in which it was delivered.

"And that ribbon you insist on strangling yourself with! It's such an eyesore! Just incinerate it, would you!"

"NO! How could you say that?! It was a gift from Mana!"

"Oh please, spare me the 'Mana is fabulous' crap. He wasn't very fantastic at all, if you ask me."

"NO! Mana was the best ev—"

"Che, shut up, Moyashi. Your taste sucks, in all aspects."

"What, NO! My taste is perfectly fi—"

"Fine? I should think not, baka. Remember dear Mister Sunshine from earlier? What the fuck were you thinking! Barney is about as melodic as a pile of shit."

"NO! Barney sings very nic—"

"And I still stand by my motion. Miterashi dango is frigging disgusting. I can't believe you can eat so many a day."

As any sane person could tell, this went on for quite some time.

By now, Allen was so upset that he was vibrating with sheer, unadulterated rage, clenched fists and all. Frustrated, he clamped his hands over his ears, letting out an indignant shriek of 'NO!' whenever Kanda opened his mouth. _He didn't want to hear this, not any of this!_

"I think your hair colour—" Kanda carefully enunciated, casting wary glances at the other in anxiety for his agitated mental state. He was immediately cut off by another sharp cry.

Okay… Maybe his plan worked a little _too_ well. Allen seemed way too close to losing it for this to work. But oh well. He was a callous bastard, and his first priority was tricking Allen into being his prom date. At least the idiot didn't try to start a fight again. Che, he probably grew enough brain cells to know that it was pointless; since Kanda won every single time they sparred. Including the historic duel that ruined the cafeteria.

Now to test if Allen's paying attention.

"Moyashi, I think your pants are on fire."

"NO!"

"Timcanpy secretly has a Backstreet Boy fetish. Did you know that?"

"NO!"

"Komui is pregnant. With Cross' baby."

"NO!"

"Jeryy's going to retire tomo—"

"NO!"

"Lavi's joining a nunnne—"

"NO!"

"The cafet—"

"NO!"

"I love y—"

"NO!"

… All right, so he could finally be convinced that Allen really was just randomly shouting 'NO!', although he was also a little concerned at his temporary lack of sanity. _Never mind, the plan should still work._

How should he phrase this question? Kanda pondered for a while, listening to Allen's harsh panting as he tried to catch his breath.

"So, bean, you wouldn't mind going to prom with me, would you." _Say no, oh Kami-sama, please just bloody scream no like you were doing just now!_

The Common Room was filled with tense silence for the longest three seconds of Kanda's life. Seriously, did saying 'no' a couple of times count as physical exertion? Why did the retarded Moyashi have to pant so many fucking times?!

Everything seemed to move in slow motion, a mere second taking ages to pass. Kanda stared for too intently at Allen's lips, parting at a snail's pace to shape the opening nuances of the all important negative answer.

When suddenly, crazy fangirls started banging on the door, so hard that the walls all around vibrated.

"Oooookay girls, great job! Keep it steady now! Pace back… aaaaaaaaand ram in home!"

A crack appeared on the heavy mahogany door. _Oh dear god, he was doomed. _The fangirls managed to get their hands on a _battering ram _for fuck's bloody sake. He considered a freak miracle that the door was even standing, though it looked ready to collapse any second.

_He would never be able to ask Allen to the prom, would he?_

Kanda sighed dejectedly, reaching for the clasp in the window. It was a three storey jump, but his lotus had healed worse injuries than that.

Allen was still stupidly standing there with both hands over his ears, staring shell-shocked at the door. Fuck, so the 'no' thing really fried his brain. He so didn't need this right now.

He made his decision when the door creaked and splintered alarmingly. Grabbing Mugen and strapping it tightly to his hip in its customary position, he took a last, regretful look around the Common Room, gaze lingering rather resignedly on his unfated prom date. So deciding that, he pushed the windows wide open and swung himself onto the window sill before leaping off.

Oh well, the fangirls were coming for him, so Allen should be fine. But he was _so_ going to murder a few fangirls.

* * *

**Camden Co. would like to express its gratitude to Katsura Hoshino © -Man for use of her characters.**

* * *

Thank you for staying with us till here despite this chapter's profound crappiness. We are really sorry, and we lie awake every night praying for your forgiveness. And also for a nationwide ban on holiday.

Feedback provided will be greatly appreciated, and duly used for improvements to the quality of future publications. Thank you once again, and may mighty Google bless you.

_First of all, will you all pleasepleaseplease review? :/ Because the next chapter is probably going to be the last. D:  
I'm in the midst of planning out a (sort of) sequel to this, anyway. Would you guys be interested? _

_And I'll most probably attempt to write something serious. To prove to someone-who-prefers-to-remain-anonymous that I can. Don't ask. So it might be a long wait. SORRY TIMES A THOUSAND._

_This is like my longest chapter ever. I'm about to keel over with exhaustion. That's how much I frigging hate typing. My sister's away in camp, so I had to do it myself. (I usually pay her to type everything out for me to edit :x) Otherwise, attept 4 would have been posted by last week. _

_REVIEW, PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE? _


End file.
